I have been involved in church ministry for most of my adult life; however it hasn’t been until the past few years that my mind has turned to what those outside the church experience. Recently I visited a church and as I was there observing the people my mind once again turned to what if someone hurting, looking for help and not comfortable with “church life” were there? I looked through that person’s eyes and wrote what that might have been like in light of my own experience.

Whether it is church, business or community, we as a people should always be willing to step outside ourselves and our personal friendships to invite people in. We never know what is going on in their lives and how much they just need a friend. They just want someone to ask their name.

THE VISITOR

You spoke on Sunday about reaching those in need, so I came to check you out. It was a big step for me to come to something outside of the Sunday service, but you said that is where people make friends and up to this point, no one had asked my name.

 I was in need; I knew I needed something else. My marriage was on the rocks, kids were out of control, the job in question and life wasn’t making sense, so I responded to your invite that you could help, but no one asked my name.

I was alone and didn’t know anyone but I came anyway. I stood in the line for food for what seemed like forever, smiling at anyone who looked my way in hopes to make a friend, but no one asked my name.

Behind me the guys seemed to be great friends with a lot in common; the same for those in front. Their laughter and bond was what I was desired so I turned in hopes of being invited in, but they turned just enough to let me know I was intruding. I turned back so as not to be a bother. No one asked my name.

At last I thought someone would be interested as the preacher walked up the line shaking hands with a smile. But then someone to the side caught his eye and he spun to give them a hello and a hug, and then turned back to those behind in the line. No one asked my name.

I sat down at a table to eat where again I smiled and said hello, only to receive a cordial nod of the head. Turning to the left, to the right and looking ahead, the bonds of these people were strong and what I desired, but no one asked my name.

After the meal I took the dirty plates of those around to the trash in hopes of making a friend. They looked at me as if my gesture was strange giving me an awkward smile. No one asked my name.

The program began; the best I’ve seen. The music was exciting, the guest speaker beyond belief. Captivated for more than hour I sat there ready to receive. Still, no one asked my name.

The night came to a close and all began to leave. Smiles painted on each person’s face as they said good-bye to friends with hugs and talk of getting together soon. I walked so slow in hopes of one last try to get someone to at least say good-night, but no one asked my name.

Today I’m returning one last time, bringing the wife and kids from my life. They have questions I can’t answer and tears I can’t console. Their lives are broken and I wanted to fix it but the answers I sought I could not find because no one asked my name.

As they roll me out past the doors and into the hearse to take me to my final resting place I hear the man locking the door say, “Who was this man that we buried today?” Finally, all I ever wanted,  someone asked my name.

I have studied leadership for more than 25 years  in which I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. Through the years in the Marines and in the corporate world I have found that there are generally two types of people in leadership: Those who announce (generally repetitively) they are in charge and those who lead humbly. Being in a leadership position or having a title doesn’t make a person a leader. The test for all of us is to ask, “Is anyone following?”

A Marine I once knew had a sign above his desk that read,

“If you have to tell people you’re in charge, you’re not.”

Innovative leaders don’t have to muscle their way to get people to follow…they attract people who are eager to follow. If you or I begin to find that leading and/or getting people to follow us difficult, it might be time to reevaluate what we are doing. Leadership isn’t about dictatorship but rather it’s all about servantship. Are we serving those we lead by listening? Are we truly considering their ideas? When was the last time you or I went to bat for them in a tough situation?

Please take a moment and share a story about someone you respect as a leader and why.

Don’t you just love the way children’s stories start out with “Once upon a time?” It captures the attention of the child as they know they are about to embark on an adventure full of unknown excitement. Each word is received with anticipation of what is around the corner of the next turned page. These children’s stories are etched in our memories as growing up we listened to them over and over; they never got old.

Just like the children’s books we all adored, there is also a few Once upon a times for us adults; however for most the ending is still unwritten.

• Once upon a time there was a girl who dreamed of being a veterinarian…
• Once upon a time there was a man who wanted to be a missionary….
• Once upon a time there was a couple who of dreamed of having their own business together…

A way to make it more personal is to say, “Once upon a time I ________________”.

•    Once upon a time I believed I was attractive…
•    Once upon a time I could trust…
•    Once upon a time I wanted to find love that lasted…
•    Once upon a time I cared…

What is your unfinished story? We all have them, yet when we are faced with our unfinished stories we reply with something similar to, “Life happened.”

Perhaps it was a story that began when you were a child or a dream that excited you in college. Maybe you went after your dream and  someone let you down or something  got in the way. You want to know something? The only thing that keeps us from experiencing our best is our self!

Dreams are not supposed to be easy to achieve; they are challenges. Ups and downs are part of going after what our hearts long for. The test of how bad we want something is how willing we are to stick to going after it.

There is no better time than now to open your story book back up. Get a pen and start writing on the unfinished pages. You are the author of the rest of your life.

Write your story—share your story—live your story.

Coach Robert

The way we communicate is important; however I have found many do not pay enough attention to the message they are sending through their words, especially in the workplace. While few, if any of us are always spot-on, there are measures we can take to make the most of our words.

Quality, Not Quantity

• Some people believe the more words they use the more intelligent they sound. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is a Bible verse that says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” (Prov 10:19). Perception for those who like to yack without taking a breath is that they are lacking substance and are trying to cover up the emptiness with a lot of blah, blah, blah.
• Lesson: Choose your words carefully; Make your point and move on. You gain credibility the more concise and pointed you are.

Excitement, Not Frustration

• This is one I struggle with. The more “passionate” I am about something, the more intense my demeanor. Not realizing it when we are trying to communicate something we want our audience to get, our body language and intensity can send a totally different message.
• Lesson: Remember to smile. The passion of our message is better received when sugar is added.

Bringing, Not Dragging

• We have all been there. We need the team to move to a new place, but there is resistance. The resistance, if we are not careful can cause us to become frustrated. In our determination to get people to see the light we actually turn them off as they feel as though they are getting a beat-down.
• Lesson: The art of persuasion can only happen when we operate from our audience’s point of view. It’s not until we learn to appreciate other people’s perspectives and ideas that we can begin to influence change.

Humorous, Not Comedy Club

• Our message needs to be light-hearted; however too much comedy can make us seem unprofessional.
• Lesson: Have the right amount of humor but not too much. If you find yourself constantly cracking jokes you might want to back off a bit. Check your content to ensure your words contain the right amount of business to gain and maintain the respect of your peers.

Serious, Not Stick-in-the-mud

• On the flip-side of being a comedian is becoming someone who is perceived as not having a personality. Never smiling and always about “the business” is not the way to communicate.
• Lesson: Lighten up!

Balance, Not Dominant

• The worse thing a person can do is dominate a conversation. Long stories that never end; having something to say about everything or trying to “one-up” people’s stories will find you being ostracized by your peers.
• Lesson: Hold your thoughts. There is nothing that says we have to dump everything we know or have done on people. Despite what we might think, none of us are as exciting as we think we are. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but if you want to avoid being perceived as a person who totally self absorbed, allow others to have the spot light. Another Proverb says, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” I think that speaks enough for itself.

A person’s ability to communicate is a huge determinate in how far and where they will go. As I mentioned in the beginning, few of us are where we need to be; however if we are open to being honest about where we are and are willing to grow we can make tremendous strides in the right direction.

Coach Robert

Schedule one free tele-coaching appointment when you mention this blog by emailing me at info@coachrobertsimmons.com

Wow! It has been a while since I have blogged! Having two careers can be challenging even for a coach who preaches “Balance!” Life has been crazy for my wife and I since November of last year! The past few months I have been going at it six and seven days a week!

Sitting thinking about writing and the busy schedule has brought me to an interesting thought. Do I write about “Balance” while my life has been so out-of-balance? What will my readers think? How can I tell clients my life has been crazy, yet share that we should lead balanced lives!

So, no…I won’t talk about balance today. I have a different thought. I’m going to talk about “TRANSPARENCY!”

Now how in the world do you get transparency from talking about balance, Robert? Thanks for asking.As I pondered my busy life of late and thought about writing about it my brain suddenly said, “You can’t do that! You’re a coach! You help people find balance; if you talk about how your life has stretched the boundaries of nearly being out of control who will want your advice?”

Then a second thought hit me. That’s exactly what’s wrong today! No one wants to be transparent. Everyone from the media to the momma wants to portray an image of life being perfect and having everything under control. No one wants anyone to know they have blemishes, tummy aches or that women really do burp!

Today we have preachers bottling up their struggles because congregations hold them to a level of perfection that only Jesus obtained. We see women in their 40s and 50s dressing and acting like teenagers as they attempt to hold onto their youth. Families are in debt trying to keep an image to fit into a certain social status. And the list goes on and on. We are pretending…hiding…trying to portray something or someone we’re not.

Our society is being held hostage by a force of unrealistic expectations of perfection.

But we know this image is far from truth. Just look at a few statistics.

• In the past 25 years the number of people seeking help for depression has doubled to 25 million a year in the US. (CDC reports).
• 11% of Americans aged 12 and up are on some kind of antidepressant (that is 1 in 10 people).  14% are taking more than one type of medication. (CDC reports).
• In 2011 antidepressant use was up 400%. (CDC reports).
• The CDC reported in 2008-2009 timeframe that 4.3% of adults (8.3 million) reported thinking about suicide of which 2.2 million actually made plans, 1 million attempted and 36, 909 followed through.
• NIDA reports that youth illegal prescription drug abuse was 11.4% (25% started at age 13). That’s 1 in 9 students!
• At the end of 2011 there were nearly 1,700,000 pending bankruptcy cases (U.S. Government bankruptcy statistics report).

These are just a few statistics that scream out that all is not well. American’s are not all that and a bag of potato chips. We might be going to the plastic surgeon to have our face tightened, drive expensive cars, live in larger than life homes and wear name-brand clothes, but there is something desperately wrong. So what do we do?

Well first we need to start being real by accepting who we are and where we are in life.

Men, the cigar and sports car aren’t fooling anyone, you’re broke and everyone knows it.  Grandma, get out of that mini-skirt and caked on makeup, your grandchildren keep thinking someone hired a clown for their birthday.  Pastors, tell your congregations that your family comes first and that you’re not going to be going to everyone’s great aunt’s funeral or visiting little Joey because he stumped his toe. Husbands, stop comparing your wife to the airbrushed images in magazines and 15 year olds made to look 20 in beer commercials; have you looked in the mirror lately! Why hold your wife to a standard that you can’t even keep.

Instead of trying to portray what society tells us we should be, we need to make a huge U-Turn. Dad and Moms need to spend time with their children, not be their friends, but be parents by being examples. Business professionals, draw a line in the sand. Have boundaries that separate work from family and ensure family has the quality time; the best time. Everyone needs to live within their means. My father-in-law, a very successful man has always said, “It’s not how much you make, its how much you spend.” You can make $5 million a year, but if you spend $6 million you are just as broke as the person standing in the unemployment line. Couples, face the truth that love is a choice, not a feeling; quit living in relationships based on feelings but instead on commitment. Look past the smoke and mirrors of what society and media want us to believe we should be so we’ll purchase their products. Look at the real qualities we bring our world in being who we are.

And back to the point that started this whole topic. We who call ourselves coaches, leaders, counselors, mentors, parents, politicians and religious leaders; those of us that find ourselves in positions where people ask for our advice…be honest…be transparent!

Admiting That We Don’t Have It All Together is a Freeing Experience!

The truth is a person who portrays having it all together is not someone you need to be taking advice from because they are not being totally honest. In fact, it is failures or less than pleasurable experiences that bring most of us to a point of wanting to help others. When we fall, we learn. When we learn, we grow. When we grow, we want to help others grow. To help others grow, we have to let them know that we too have fallen and that there is hope.

As a Professional Coach I have spent hundreds of hours helping others find their dreams, experience more balance and have encouraged people to take risk in life, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with these same issues.My family and friends know this and I don’t try to hide it. I have coaches, friends, and counselors who I go to in my areas of weakness. And, when I choose to be transparent by telling clients that I get knots in my stomach thinking about a risk I need to take, that I too fall short of God’s desire for my life, when I let someone struggling with their health know  that I too am not consistent with my exercise; or, as it has been over the past few months, I share that my schedule has been bonkers, it encourages people in their journey. Their eyes light up to know they are not alone!

It’s transparency that takes people to the next level; not hiding.

Here are a few thoughts to ponder:

• Who is in your life that has a struggle?
• Have you been transparent with your own struggles?
• What could you do different within the next 24 hours to open dialogue sharing the real you?
• Do you have someone that you can go to and trust with becoming transparent about your own struggles and begin getting things in order?

There is no better time than now to start new and fresh. There is no greater feeling than to be able to be yourself!

It’s time to bring out the best in you!

I remember several years ago hearing about an elderly man who had passed away. He lived most of his life in near poverty conditions; a rundown house, poorly running vehicle and very little to his name.

After this gentleman’s funeral his relatives were task to clean up his house and belongings. During their effort they made an interesting discovery that shocked everyone. Within his mattress box springs there was a tear and when they went to move his bed green bills came falling out. They reached into the hole and began pulling out hands full of money. 20’s, 50’s and 100 dollar bills! As they continued moving his belongings they found even more money hidden away in the house. There was money in boxes, the walls and drawers. There was hundreds of thousands dollars stuffed away; something the man must have been doing for years.

He lived in poverty most of his adult life, yet went to sleep every evening on riches few could only dream of.

When we hear stories like this the first thought is how in the world would someone live like that? Why would a person having the ability to live in comfort and experience life to the fullest choose to live secluded and impoverished?

While stories like this leave us scratching our heads, have you ever given thought to the fact that many are living life the same as the man in this story? Perhaps even you and me?

No. There isn’t a mattress or walls stuffed with hundred dollar bills, but there is something much more valuable tucked away in the walls of our lives. Those jewels are our dreams, talents, gifts and experiences!

In the recesses of our lives hides treasures that we have accumulated at various stops in our lives. It began when we were children; we just didn’t realize that each location life took us that we were stuffing away treasures. That high school play began a desire to perform. The Lemon-aid stand struck a passion to be an entrepreneur. Perhaps the love for animals as a young girl placed in your heart a desire to become a veterinarian.

Then later in life there were jobs that weren’t the best, but if you look closely they provided the opportunity to pick up a few skills. An administrative position helped you to become organized or at the church you were given the opportunity to lead a mission trip that helped develop leadership skills.

Throughout our lives we have all made stops at different places. Some were perhaps more pleasant than others, but if we take the time to look back we find that we walked away with some kind of treasure; patience, leadership, a passion, a lesson, or perhaps even mistakes that we know how to avoid.

The problem is, that just like the old man, we go to sleep every night on our treasures instead of investing them in our dreams.

Have you ever taken the time to reach in the walls of your life to see just how many valuable experiences have been hidden away? What about turning your mattress upside down and looking at the dreams that were once alive and you now just go to sleep on? What assets do you have that could be leveraged to lead you to leap out of bed in the morning and put a skip in your step during the day?

You have treasures in your life! You’re dreams and passions can be experienced. It’s just a matter of bringing out what has been stored away and starting the process of investing.

What are your dreams? How has life equipped you to be successful in living your passion out?

Reignite your dreams by bringing out those valuables that were given to you to experience life beyond your wildest dreams today. Believe in yourself and it will become a reality.

“He always just says what’s on his mind without thinking about the consequences.” “She is so impulsive; she sees it and buys it whether or not the money is there.” “My friend just blows up at the first signs something isn’t working the way he believes it should.”

These are common phrases that are heard about people who are ADHD. If you are ADHD you are well aware of these truths about yourself. Most times when people talk about these types of behaviors it’s in the vein of he or she does not have a filter. In other words, the person doesn’t have the ability to process information before responding and/or reacting. While this is true, I would like to introduce another perspective with ADHD.

THE FILTERLESS FLOW IS A TWO-WAY VALVE

Recently I was having a conversation with an ADHD friend who has become quite an advisor on providing insight to the ADHD mind. My friend shared with me…

“The most important thing that we can learn early in life is that we have very intense emotions-10 times what others feel-and we have to know and understand that and control it as much as possible…”

Most of those on the outside look at the person with ADHD think, “Why can’t they just learn to control their emotions,” when the real question should be, “How can I help filter the information for this person?”

When you are simply annoyed, ADHD is overwhelmed with frustration. If a non-ADHD person is down and out, the ADHD person is spiraling down into a deep state of depression. Likewise, when you might be excited about a new product that has come out, the ADHDer is more than excited, he goes out and purchases it based solely on the emotional high being experienced.

WHAT’S THE TAKE-AWAY?

Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, Husbands, Wives and Friends…listen carefully…

BE A FILTER!

Should your ADHD wife fly off the handle, don’t walk off calling her crazy. When your child isn’t doing his homework, don’t call him lazy. If your friend purchases a car she can’t afford, don’t judge that she is irresponsible. And by all means, if someone you know is down and out in depression, don’t just assume they should and will get over it.

PEOPLE WITH ADHD NEED FILTERS IN THEIR LIFE

How to be a filter:

• Consider how a person might respond to a situation or news
• Think about how you are going to introduce new information
• Take time to reflect on how the person with ADHD has responded in similar situations
• Find the right time to introduce new information
• Get the ADHD person to talk about his or her feelings (after the emotions have calmed)
• Don’t assume they will get over it (whatever “it” is)
• Continue to reach out, even if things seem okay
• Be a good listener (not everyone wants you to solve their problem; they just want someone to understand)
• Educate yourself about ADHD

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Share some other ways a non-ADHD person can help be a filter!

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Special Note

This post is in memory of and inspired by the loss of fellow Marine Gunnery Sergeant Matt Land. Matt inspired many people in and out of the Corps. You will be missed Gunny. Semper Fi. ]]> http://www.coachrobertsimmons.com/adhd/adhd-filters/feed/ 0 http://www.coachrobertsimmons.com/leadership/multitask-or-multimess/ http://www.coachrobertsimmons.com/leadership/multitask-or-multimess/#comments Mon, 14 May 2012 00:46:08 +0000 Robert Simmons http://www.coachrobertsimmons.com/?p=708

Over the last few years the ability to multitask became nearly a requirement on job descriptions. In interviews an interviewee will be asked how well he or she can multitask. I know people who pride themselves in being able to do multiple things at once. But the truth of the matter is there is a HUGE down side to multitasking that actually decreases a person’s ability to be productive. In fact a 2007 survey by the New York Times sited that it cost U.S business approximately $650 billion a year due to distractions, much which are caused by multitasking.